Life comes at you fast. Trust me, I know. Sometimes it’s fast with happy moments and sometimes it’s so fast it runs you over, then backs up and runs you over again. In those low moments, I find it really easy to grow frustrated and doubtful. I’ve doubted whether or not I made the right choices along the way. Did I spend my time in the right way? Did I say the right thing? It consumes me, yet these constant thoughts arguably get me nowhere. Why? Because what I’m hoping for in these moments is a different result than what occurred, but the reality is I can’t change the past. But what I can do is learn from it. We can all learn from it.

I don’t want to sound insensitive, because I know it can be challenging to grapple with current events sometimes. What I will say is dwelling in the negative has never helped me either. There are six steps that I try to remind myself of when going through moments like this, and I hope you can find these just as useful in your journey as well.

Steps for Self-Improvement

Step 1. Accepting

It happened. Whatever the “it” is for you in this current moment in your life. Maybe it was a rejection from your dream job. Maybe it was a failed relationship. Maybe it was a friendship break-up. Maybe it was a missed goal or opportunity. Only you know what keeps you up at night. Whatever that thing is, take it and accept it as fact. Sit with the knowledge that it happened and there’s nothing you can do to change it, no matter how much you’d like to. Living in denial is certainly not the way to start off this journey.

Step 2. Processing

Processing is a step I suck at. I tend to keep moving full speed ahead in order to avoid processing, oftentimes because processing hurts. It’s not fun, it’s not comfortable, and it can bring up some heavy things or a different, more truthful reality to life sometimes. I know it sucks, but don’t skip this part. Sit with your feelings and recognize how you feel. How did this event affect you? What did this current event do to your self-esteem? What are you reaching for to move through this moment, or are you just numbing yourself to pass time?

Step 3. Reflection

Now that you’re aware of your feelings in the present, take some time to reflect on the timeline of events that resulted in where you are today. Often, it’s really easy for us to blame outside factors. I didn’t get the job because the interviewer was grumpy. Or they broke up with me; that’s their loss because I’m a gem. Or that test was impossible, what else could I have done? Making excuses is the easy way out. We aren’t here to take the easy way out. The easy way out doesn’t build character, and it doesn’t help us grow. It just keeps us comfortable.

Get uncomfortable and recognize the events that led up to where you are. Where did you play a role in the result? What could you have done better? What would you have done differently, especially if you knew the result wouldn’t be what you wanted? Do you see a common thread amongst these answers? Maybe that is something to dive even deeper into.

Step 4. Plan of Action

Now that you have an idea of where you might not have given your best, let’s put a system in place to ensure we only improve in these areas in the future. Maybe this is creating a better study habit for yourself with accountability partners. Maybe it’s writing something down, putting it in your calendar, or making it a “non-negotiable” for yourself. Maybe your plan of action focuses on increasing your standards and self-worth to make sure you only end up in relationships or friendships with the same caliber of people. Maybe it will surround dealing with past traumas or pain to aid you in becoming a nicer person to those around you or the people you care the most about. Maybe that plan of action is protecting yourself more. Only you can identify what needs to change in the future, but no matter what, something has to change. At the end of the day, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is pure foolishness. Make a plan, implement it, and hold yourself accountable.

Step 5. Check in

Once you’ve implemented this new plan and have worked at it for a while, check in with yourself. How have things been going? How do you feel about it all? What’s working for you, and what’s not working? Have you talked to your friends about any changes they’ve detected? Asking your close friends whether or not they have seen a difference is always a helpful indicator on your progress as well. If part of your plan isn’t working for you, don’t be afraid to change it up. You might not nail it on the first rendition, and that’s okay, too! You’re learning and you’re trying. That’s all that matters. I promise you, making progress towards a change is much more productive than making no changes at all.

Step 6. Evaluate

Now that you’ve made some solid headway into your journey, or maybe you’re reaching the tail end, evaluate how far you’ve come from where you started. Have you changed? And I don’t mean change in a bad way. In fact, I think it is a great thing. We should all change and evolve in life. Plateauing should have the negative connotation, not change. If you have changed, do you see how your environment has changed? Are your desires or goals any different? What have you learned about yourself along the way? What have you learned about the people around you? So much can be said for the transformation you undergo during this journey. Take the time to give yourself credit and a big ole pat on the back, because climbing a mountain is scary. You could have quit many times, but you didn’t!

We tend to beat ourselves up over past choices, which is unproductive. We sit there and dwell on the past and forget that there’s a whole future ahead that has yet to be explored or enjoyed. I am so guilty of this myself, so you are not broken or alone if you feel that way too. I constantly remind myself to just focus on the present and the future. Focus on making better choices going forward. And, most importantly, remember that falling or failing forward is still moving forward. Don’t dwell on the past. Learn from it. I promise you you’ll come out better for it.