Listen

In my opinion, people tend to underestimate the power in simply listening. We are often quick to talk over people or answer the questions that pop up in our head with our own preconceived answers. We don’t ask enough questions, and we definitely don’t put our guards down to entertain the possibility of a different reality.

You can learn SO much from asking and listening. Whether that’s asking about someone’s upbringing, asking why they spend their money in a specific way, or even something as simple as learning about someone’s culture. I promise you, hearing and learning about more perspectives in life will truly make you a better person.

Last year, I spent some time in Brazil for work. I was not naive to the cultural, economic, or socio-economic climate of where I traveled to, or so I thought. There was an incident that I kept observing the general public doing while I was at work that really bothered me. For weeks, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. In my Western, American mind, the actions that people took were clearly wrong and disrespectful. I kept going out of my way over the course of those weeks to try to mitigate the issue, even getting my American bosses to help me out. It was until day 21 of being in Brazil that I asked a local I was working with, “Why do they keep doing this? Isn’t it obvious that it’s wrong? My dad would kick my butt if he ever found out I was doing this in public.” Read more  oursocalled20s.com

Boy, was I quickly humbled. In the nicest way possible, the local explained to me that these things weren’t so obvious or common knowledge in his community like they were in mine. He expressed to me how the difference in education played a major role in all of this. Here I thought education was just defined as basic math and sciences, but I was very wrong. Education goes beyond that. Education can also fall under social awareness and the knowledge of people who are different than you. He explained that, in his community, knowing that the person next to you has a disadvantage or difference isn’t something that people are taught about. Therefore, empathy and understanding these differences and knowing why they receive more assisted treatment in public wasn’t common knowledge. He said, “They aren’t doing this out of rudeness, but purely from a lack of understanding or knowing that it is even wrong.”

I have to admit, I was silent. It was 1:30am and I got a nice little wake-up call. As I processed what was said, I remember tearing up a bit. As the person who thoroughly studies different cultures and immerses in the local language, cuisine, and customs, I just learned a new definition of “education.” I felt like the most spoiled American. To think that for 21 days, I was confused about something that I thought was so basic, only to learn that this action I deem as basic stems from education that I have taken for granted. It’s this education that allows my community to function with ease in these situations. It’s this education that created a complete misunderstanding of a whole different culture and country. And it’s this education that stopped me from asking, and then listening, for 21 days.

The response I was given to my question led to a two- and half-hour conversation about the Brazilian culture, way of life, and the perception that countries like Brazil have of the United States. The discussion was full of laughs, questions from both sides, at times pure confusion, lots of translation, and plenty of Jägermeister and beer (which I learned that night were Brazilian favorites). By the end of the conversation, there were six people in the room, and I was the only American. I can’t express to you how much I learned that night. I can’t express to you how beautiful of a conversation it was. No one fought. No one took anything personally. No one was guarded. Everyone focused on listening, became introspective, and had such a great time getting to know each other.

I was taken aback but so grateful for the lesson that night. More importantly, I’m SO glad I asked and listened because it put my own privilege into perspective and made me more empathetic to the country I was working in. That night will go down as one of my favorite conversations I’ve ever had. It felt like a moment straight out of an episode of Anthony Bourdain.

Think

Sometimes, like in my example, what you hear throws you for a loop. You get knocked on your butt while processing what someone says. As hard as this can be sometimes, take a second to think before you respond. In my situation, I could have been quick to say, “Well that’s stupid,” or “That doesn’t make sense.” Although neither of these were in my thought process, I do often wonder how that conversation and night would have continued if either was. Instead, I heard what the person shared with me, processed it, and thought on it. Then, after thinking, I concluded that I was looking at the word “education” in itself completely wrong. Through my thinking, I realized what I had taken for granted and where my thought process was completely off. Giving yourself time to reflect and compartmentalize what you just heard – those are the moments of growth and realization. But if you never let yourself truly hear what a person says, it will become a missed opportunity to grow and understand other people.

Then Form an Opinion

Instead of forming your opinion at the start of the conversation, try forming your opinion at the end of the conversation. Or better yet, do more research, ask more questions, and entertain your curiosity before you form an opinion. I think too often in today’s modern world we judge because something feels foreign to us. We judge because we can’t make sense of it. Instead of judging, open your mind and your ears to learn something new. Learn a new or different way of life. Ask about someone’s why behind their thinking. We worry too much about our own way of life and forget that other people have endured a different journey and still reached the same spot that we are in. Therefore, their perspective was shaped differently from ours. I can’t tell you how much greater my life, my community, and my friend group has become by not forming an opinion right out of the gate. I’ve learned so much about the world, and yet I still have so much to learn. I’ve learned about the reality of immigration for most people, no matter which country they come from. I’ve learned about the socio-economic trials and tribulations that many people in my own university faced. I’ve learned about the reality of day-to-day life for many people in countries bordering mine. I’ve learned a lot, and I hope to continue to learn more and more as the days pass.

That night in Brazil will stick with me forever. It remains one of the best nights of my life, and I’m not exaggerating here. Those people in that room will stick in my head forever, and I hope to see them again soon. (I did promise them a good bottle of bourbon the next time I came back – Jägermeister can’t be the peak.) Although the start of the conversation blossomed from my ignorance, I am immensely grateful that I wasn’t ignorant enough to not ask, listen, think, and then form an opinion.

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In our 20s, we really start learning how to navigate the relationships in our lives. Whether it’s learning how to move through our family dynamics, working and communicating with our partners in our relationships, finding a partner for a relationship, understanding how to deal with that annoying co-worker, or enduring the process of gaining and losing friends, relationships are tricky to navigate. For the first time, they’re no longer force-fed from our parents or our school schedule, and we instead have free range to pick and choose who we walk forward with. This freedom of choice is powerful and should be taken with pride and intentionality. At the end of the day, these individuals will be with you through the good, the bad, and the ugly, and you want to make sure you’ve set yourself up for success.

The Social Media Standard

In today’s modern society, social media has warped our perception of friends and community. Social media platforms have led us to believe that our friends are the people who follow our accounts, like our photos, comment on our newest spring break pictures, or give us instant satisfaction online. The way you win the game is by having the highest number of friends/followers. It’s not about quality, but quantity. The more friends/followers you have, the more popular you are, which is supposed to make you feel more loved and fulfilled…right?

Social media creates this idea the FOMO (fear of missing out) and gives value to showing off every part of your life. You are supposed to go out every night, be the life of the party, always have fun, make the best memories, travel the world, enjoy fine dining, and have those social media worthy once-in-a-lifetime experiences, no matter where you are. I know at our core, we all know how manufactured this “reality” is, but, at the end of the day, it’s still instantly praised and revered. Think about it. The photo of you and that estranged friend from college on a jet ski in Tulum will gain a ton more likes than a photo of you and your family around a dinner table in matching Christmas sweaters. There’s no question about it. We live in a world where intentional relationships don’t seem to matter, but instead the fun, desirable ones appear to hold more weight. Read more  oursocalled20s.com

Childhood Friends

We all have those friends we’ve known since we were in 2nd grade. We made friendship bracelets with them, played basketball in their driveways, and went to every one of their birthday parties over the years. We thought we’d grow old with them, and for some, this reality played out. But it’s also okay to drift apart, grow in different directions, or move into the next season without them. I don’t say this to be cynical or negative. I have some super close friends from childhood, and then I have those friends who I’ve recently grown in a different direction from or see differently. This doesn’t mean that they are suddenly a bad person or that our relationship never meant anything. Sometimes, it just means that this “season” is over and a new one is coming. Some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever, but rather for a certain “season” or period of time.

As we all get older, we turn into our own people. We grow (hopefully) in our morals, ethics, and standards, and it’s unfair to expect everyone in your childhood to follow your same path, in the same way, at the same time. With that being said, as you get older, especially in your 20s, the standard of friendship no longer focuses on how well you play hopscotch together. It shifts into seeing how well you each play into the other’s life, goals, morals, and ethics. I want to make it clear that this doesn’t mean that you both have to agree in every aspect of your lives. I don’t necessarily find that to be a healthy metric to “rate” people on. Differences in opinion can be a great thing in your community. However, I do believe that there is a subset of boundaries or lines that every person should have and continue to develop as they mature. Sometimes that childhood friend doesn’t make the cut for your next season of life, and that is okay. You can still care for and love this person. It just might look a little different going forward.

Look Around

While you’re thinking about your community, I want you to ask yourself some questions:

• Who do you call when sh*t hits the fan?
• Who do you want your kids to look up to or call for advice one day?
• Who do you want standing next to you at your wedding?
  Who would give your best man/woman speech and talk about you and your life?
• Are the people in your life only good for the high moments, or can they weather through the downs?
• Do the people in your life now challenge you to be a better person?
• Do the people in your life now challenge themselves to be better people?
• Do the people in your life now call you out when you slip up?
• Do these people know the true you or about your real life?
• Can you laugh, cry, grow, and explore with these people?

If you can’t name someone or a few people for each question, or you find yourself answering the same single person for each question, it might be time to re-evaluate. I have personally found these questions to be a great reality check for myself. This is how you build an intentional community. It’s not about the people who you can just go out with to have fun. It’s about depth, intention, and setting your life and community up for success. Life won’t always be hunky-dory, and when it’s not and the bumps in the road ensue, you want to have stable people and a safety net around you to help you work through the obstacles and come out a better, stronger, and wiser person on the other end. Otherwise, your “community” might only throw you a great party, but unfortunately, parties don’t solve problems. If anything, they create them, haha.

Activity

When I was in high school, my volleyball coach instructed my team to do an exercise that I still use to this day. I personally find it to be very telling. The exercise is as follows:

• Make a list of the five words or characteristics you’d want to be described by.
• Make a list of the words that other people would use to describe your five closest friends (three words per person).

Do you see any overlap or opposing words between your list and your friends’ list? Think about it. What do you think this says about you? How does your community reflect upon you, your values, desires, and goals?

“You are the combination of the five people you spend the most time around.”

This saying, although old and often used, is so true! What does this say about your friend group? More importantly, how can you expect yourself to turn out any different, whether for good or bad?

Community

com·mu·ni·ty (n.) – the people living in one particular area or people who are considered as a unit because of their common interests, social group, or nationality.

Your community is truly your safety net when you fall and your protection when you feel weak or become blind to what’s upcoming. I don’t imagine you would go to the store and buy a weak safety net, so why would you knowingly build a weak one for yourself?

If you take away the glitz and the glam of life, strip away your followers or “online friends,” your community is all you have at the end of the day. So, forget about the superficial, shallow, and weightless things. Focus on the tangible things you can reach out for when you slip off an edge. Invest your energy in building yourself a fortress! This is your foundation for life, so don’t skimp out on yourself, and don’t be lazy. Birds of a feather flock together. Make sure you’re flying with the best you find.

Sources
“Intent” and “intention” | Britannica Dictionary. www.britannica.com/dictionary/eb/qa/intent-and-intention.
community. 22 May 2024, dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/community.

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Healthy communication is the foundation of any relationship in your life. Healthy communication can also act as a way you are remembered by other people because it goes both ways. I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of the phrase “be the qualities you seek in others.” If not, I encourage you to lean into it. Being a healthy communicator is a multi-faceted label in my eyes. It’s not only about listening to people or making your points clear. In fact, it goes much deeper than that. Being a health communicator means that you create a safe space for others to speak and share their thoughts and opinions openly, without any recourse. Being a healthy communicator means understanding how to express yourself in a calm, collected, and level-headed way, no matter how heavy or upsetting a topic is. Being a healthy communicator means being able to express your truest feelings to someone, no matter how you think they are going to respond. Being assertive instead of passive. Explaining and speaking up instead of bottling-up.

I don’t want to sit here and act like this is the easiest thing in the world to accomplish, because it surely isn’t, but I do think the world would greatly improve if it was filled with healthy communicators. I’m hopeful that our generation will prioritize that in our own communities as we go forward. Read more at https://oursocalled20s.com/

In Friendships
Your close friends should know what you’re thinking before you even say it aloud. Your close friends should know how you’re going to react before they even share news with you. Your close friends should be the ones present with you when you cry, when you laugh, when you’re confused, when you’re feeling insecure, or when you just need someone to talk to. Your close friends should provide a safe space for you to talk freely, openly, and without judgement or belittlement. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Having a close circle that meets these criteria speaks volumes, but it also means something even greater in my eyes. It means that each individual can express their true authentic self; it means that there is no competition, jealousy, or negativity. It means that there’s nothing you can’t tell your friends.

If you have a close friend group where you have to bite your tongue before you say something, you feel small when you try to conversate or open up about your struggles or concerns, people talk over you instead of listening to you, or your words are held against you instead of uplifting your voice, there’s nothing healthy about that group. If you think about it, friendships are based solely on communication and interaction. There are no other requirements to be a friend. Do we get along? Do we have fun being around each other? Do I want to be around you? (Of course, there are deeper qualifications that you should consider, as mentioned in Intentionality, but we are focusing on the surface here.) If you can’t feel safe, secure, and not judged in your friendships, then odds are, some pretty unhealthy communication may be in the center of that relationship.

I have had friendships that I have had to cut ties with due to the unhealthy communication. I’m a bit stubborn when it comes to showing people the door because I want to assume the person meant well. I want to assume that the person didn’t mean what they said or did, but there comes a point where you can no longer ignore blatant disrespect. When someone makes you feel small, deliberately goes out of their way to mock you in front of others, uses your personal struggles as ammo to throw back in your face, or dumps their own personal trauma on you – run! There’s nothing healthy about that person, let alone their communication style. Unfortunately, it took me a while to get to the point where I can confidently see how black and white these situations are, but I hope that by your reading this, I can save you from the pain I’ve felt over the years. Although you may think you are being kind by being so passive, the reality is you’re hurting yourself and allowing the other person to get away with poor behavior which, most likely, affects you in more ways than one. Being assertive is a part of a healthy communication style. Don’t shy away from it.

In Relationships
I want to preface that fighting/arguing is normal. It’s part of any relationship. At the end of the day, you have two brains attacking life as one sometimes, and of course things are bound to clash. I’d be more worried if they never did. Having healthy communication in relationships is imperative to having a healthy relationship.

Your partner should be someone you can talk to about anything, no matter how hard or how upsetting the topic may be. You should be able to talk about anything! And when I say, “talk about it,” I mean without yelling, without judgement, without fear, without trepidation. It doesn’t mean that a conversation won’t feel uncomfortable, because that is likely, but you should be able to walk away from the conversation feeling better than when you walked into it. You should trust that your partner is going to hear you and not take offense to what you are about to say. You should know that your partner wants nothing but the best for you at the end of the day, so they are willing to see your perspective; they understand you well enough to know how you got there. You should be able to feel safe and trust the solution/response that your partner offers.

I’ve been blessed to have had a relationship where this rang true 99% of the time (again, there are always going to be rifts; that’s just part of it). I always felt uplifted after the discussion, no matter how heavy the conversation was. It always felt like a safe space, and I knew I could tell this person anything. My partner knew they could tell me anything and, at the end of the day, we had to work through whatever the issue was and meet each other in the middle. No one wanted one person to be more victorious than the other. No one spoke over the other. No one judged the other person for their perspective. Plus, when someone didn’t quite understand the other’s perspective off the bat, they just asked questions to better understand. I can’t tell you how freeing that feeling is in a relationship. Once you feel it, you’ll never let yourself go without it again. Healthy communication is the foundation of your relationship. You want to ensure you build your foundation out of granite, free of any cracks, so it can withstand all that the world brings your way as time passes. As hard as it may be to work through in the beginning, I promise you, your future self will be so grateful that you did.

At Work
Work environments are weird, especially at our age. You’re most likely not in charge, but you also know your boss doesn’t know how to make a PowerPoint or add an attachment to an email. All you can do is laugh at times. One of my coaches growing up told me, “Don’t ever let someone disrespect you or discount you just because you’re younger.” I think about this often today in my line of work as I’m often the youngest but hold positions of management. People don’t know exactly how young I am, but they know I’m younger than them. It’s a weird dynamic for me sometimes, but one that I think I have gotten better at navigating over the years.

At the end of the day, you should never stay in a work environment where you feel unsafe or unheard when you try to express safety concerns. You should never be in a work environment where you are asked to lie on someone else’s behalf to protect them. You should never be in a work environment where being yelled at is normalized. You should never be in a work environment where you feel uncomfortable being around someone or being left alone with someone. All of these environments are directly correlated to an environment with unhealthy communication. Why? Because in a healthy communication environment, all of these things would be opened up for discussion in a healthy way, without retaliation, and met with a speedy solution. If any of these poor environments sound familiar to you – run!

Of course, dealing with superiors isn’t always the easiest. You don’t want to seem like a nuisance, but you can share your feelings or concerns without being disrespectful or defiant. One trick that helps me is to start off a conversation with a question. It allows me to test the waters and bring attention to a point I want to make later. For example, let’s say someone is consistently snarky or aggressive toward you, and you want to bring it up to your superior. One way you could introduce this issue is by starting it off with a question like, “By any chance, do you know if (insert name here) is doing okay? I know he/she has seemed a bit tense lately.” This allows for an innocent introduction to the topic and also comes from a more caring and inquisitive place rather than an accusatory one.

Your superior might answer with an, “I’m not sure if anything is going on. Why do you ask?” Your reply could be, “Hm. Well, I’ve just felt a lot of tension/aggression in our communication. It’s made me a bit uncomfortable lately.” In a situation like this, you’ve just opened the door for conversation, you were assertive about what you’ve experienced and how you’ve felt, and no one can say you’re just pointing fingers or jumping to conclusions. Hopefully, you are at a workplace that will allow such dialogue to ensue with ease. I know firsthand what it’s like to operate in an unhealthy work environment, where communication styles are equally as unhealthy, and I don’t wish that upon anyone.

In Day-to-Day Life
In theory, we meet someone new every day, and we gain new friends (no matter how close or distant) every year. Make sure that as you add friends to your inner circle, they’re healthy people who respect you and know how to communicate. As we get older, we all have to unpack the baggage we bring into our adult lives. We have to sit with our childhoods, our trauma, our disappointments, our missteps, and our hopes and dreams for the future. Just as you must deal with these things and ensure that they don’t taint you as a person, so do those around you.

There is no double standard here. Someone else’s toxicity and poor choices do not have to be your charity case for the remainder of your life. You can care for someone and not consider them in your inner circle. You can offer someone help and not consider them in your inner circle. If your religious, you can pray for them and not consider them in your inner circle. Don’t let the people who are not putting in the same work as you into your inner circle. Their toxicity is contagious, and although you may become a healthier person and have healthy communication styles, you ultimately can’t work with someone who doesn’t understand or implement these same principles themselves. So, don’t try to fix them. Let birds of a feather flock together and protect your flock. Toxicity, especially toxic communication, can spread in ways you can’t immediately see faster than you would ever imagine.

Triggers
Sometimes we don’t intend to be a poor communicator. Sometimes we are trying our best, but there’s a war in our head that no one else can see. Sometimes we shut down because we don’t know how to express what weighs on us, or we lash out in anger because we are riddled with anxiety. I want to go ahead and say that this doesn’t make you a bad person. This doesn’t make you a broken person. It just means that there are some things in life that you probably need to unpack and get to the root of. Oftentimes, these stem from childhood and emerge in different ways as we become adults and learn to adjust in our new, ever-changing, challenge-ridden, growth-inducing world. It’s better to get ahead of these things now, while they are small blips in your life, before they become consistent and unhealthy patterns. A therapist is a great way to help uncover these patterns and learn better ways to deal with them. If you need more resources on this topic, check out Therapy. We All Need It.

Communication is inevitable in all aspects of your life. You can’t avoid it, and you can’t fake it, so make sure you go about it in the best way possible. Constantly try to better yourself in this department and watch to see that people around you are doing the same. The impact it has on your life is unsurmountable, so don’t settle. Set the standard for yourself, your friends, your partner, your life, and reach it. Heck, exceed it! The result will be beautiful.

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