Too often, we jump to conclusions, no matter the situation. Whether they stem from what we see on the news, hear in the latest gossip in our community, or see as the next thing while scrolling on socials, we all jump to conclusions…especially on those topics we have absolutely no prior knowledge in. I think it would do the world a whole lot of good if we stopped these intrusive thoughts, listened, thought on what we heard for a month, and then, finally, formed an opinion. Throwing a little bit of research in there would also be a great help. Either way, jumping to conclusions only makes you believe that your mind’s reality is true. Chances are, it’s very far from true.
Listen
In my opinion, people tend to underestimate the power in simply listening. We are often quick to talk over people or answer the questions that pop up in our head with our own preconceived answers. We don’t ask enough questions, and we definitely don’t put our guards down to entertain the possibility of a different reality.
You can learn SO much from asking and listening. Whether that’s asking about someone’s upbringing, asking why they spend their money in a specific way, or even something as simple as learning about someone’s culture. I promise you, hearing and learning about more perspectives in life will truly make you a better person.
Last year, I spent some time in Brazil for work. I was not naive to the cultural, economic, or socio-economic climate of where I traveled to, or so I thought. There was an incident that I kept observing the general public doing while I was at work that really bothered me. For weeks, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. In my Western, American mind, the actions that people took were clearly wrong and disrespectful. I kept going out of my way over the course of those weeks to try to mitigate the issue, even getting my American bosses to help me out. It was until day 21 of being in Brazil that I asked a local I was working with, “Why do they keep doing this? Isn’t it obvious that it’s wrong? My dad would kick my butt if he ever found out I was doing this in public.” Read more oursocalled20s.com
Boy, was I quickly humbled. In the nicest way possible, the local explained to me that these things weren’t so obvious or common knowledge in his community like they were in mine. He expressed to me how the difference in education played a major role in all of this. Here I thought education was just defined as basic math and sciences, but I was very wrong. Education goes beyond that. Education can also fall under social awareness and the knowledge of people who are different than you. He explained that, in his community, knowing that the person next to you has a disadvantage or difference isn’t something that people are taught about. Therefore, empathy and understanding these differences and knowing why they receive more assisted treatment in public wasn’t common knowledge. He said, “They aren’t doing this out of rudeness, but purely from a lack of understanding or knowing that it is even wrong.”
I have to admit, I was silent. It was 1:30am and I got a nice little wake-up call. As I processed what was said, I remember tearing up a bit. As the person who thoroughly studies different cultures and immerses in the local language, cuisine, and customs, I just learned a new definition of “education.” I felt like the most spoiled American. To think that for 21 days, I was confused about something that I thought was so basic, only to learn that this action I deem as basic stems from education that I have taken for granted. It’s this education that allows my community to function with ease in these situations. It’s this education that created a complete misunderstanding of a whole different culture and country. And it’s this education that stopped me from asking, and then listening, for 21 days.
The response I was given to my question led to a two- and half-hour conversation about the Brazilian culture, way of life, and the perception that countries like Brazil have of the United States. The discussion was full of laughs, questions from both sides, at times pure confusion, lots of translation, and plenty of Jägermeister and beer (which I learned that night were Brazilian favorites). By the end of the conversation, there were six people in the room, and I was the only American. I can’t express to you how much I learned that night. I can’t express to you how beautiful of a conversation it was. No one fought. No one took anything personally. No one was guarded. Everyone focused on listening, became introspective, and had such a great time getting to know each other.
I was taken aback but so grateful for the lesson that night. More importantly, I’m SO glad I asked and listened because it put my own privilege into perspective and made me more empathetic to the country I was working in. That night will go down as one of my favorite conversations I’ve ever had. It felt like a moment straight out of an episode of Anthony Bourdain.
Think
Sometimes, like in my example, what you hear throws you for a loop. You get knocked on your butt while processing what someone says. As hard as this can be sometimes, take a second to think before you respond. In my situation, I could have been quick to say, “Well that’s stupid,” or “That doesn’t make sense.” Although neither of these were in my thought process, I do often wonder how that conversation and night would have continued if either was. Instead, I heard what the person shared with me, processed it, and thought on it. Then, after thinking, I concluded that I was looking at the word “education” in itself completely wrong. Through my thinking, I realized what I had taken for granted and where my thought process was completely off. Giving yourself time to reflect and compartmentalize what you just heard – those are the moments of growth and realization. But if you never let yourself truly hear what a person says, it will become a missed opportunity to grow and understand other people.
Then Form an Opinion
Instead of forming your opinion at the start of the conversation, try forming your opinion at the end of the conversation. Or better yet, do more research, ask more questions, and entertain your curiosity before you form an opinion. I think too often in today’s modern world we judge because something feels foreign to us. We judge because we can’t make sense of it. Instead of judging, open your mind and your ears to learn something new. Learn a new or different way of life. Ask about someone’s why behind their thinking. We worry too much about our own way of life and forget that other people have endured a different journey and still reached the same spot that we are in. Therefore, their perspective was shaped differently from ours. I can’t tell you how much greater my life, my community, and my friend group has become by not forming an opinion right out of the gate. I’ve learned so much about the world, and yet I still have so much to learn. I’ve learned about the reality of immigration for most people, no matter which country they come from. I’ve learned about the socio-economic trials and tribulations that many people in my own university faced. I’ve learned about the reality of day-to-day life for many people in countries bordering mine. I’ve learned a lot, and I hope to continue to learn more and more as the days pass.
That night in Brazil will stick with me forever. It remains one of the best nights of my life, and I’m not exaggerating here. Those people in that room will stick in my head forever, and I hope to see them again soon. (I did promise them a good bottle of bourbon the next time I came back – Jägermeister can’t be the peak.) Although the start of the conversation blossomed from my ignorance, I am immensely grateful that I wasn’t ignorant enough to not ask, listen, think, and then form an opinion.
One Response
My research advisor in the lab I work at is also Brazilian, so I had a similar experience learning about his life and his family. I can’t speak to the country at large, but at least in the state he grew up in, the families are highly matriarchal and semi-arranged marriages are common. He said he couldn’t wait to leave Brazil just so that his parents wouldn’t be in his business 24/7 and he’d have some control over his life lol. He ended up actually getting along with the girl he was set up with, and they’ve been married for 15 years now.